my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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