This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
