who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
