I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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