I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I supernannyed him into submission
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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