How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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