My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
