You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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