so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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