I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
