you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
