omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize