Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
