here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
