Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
