Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
