My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
