when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
