and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize