there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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