i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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