Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
