I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
