hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
