did you get engaged???
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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