i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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