On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
