i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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