I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
