She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
how drunk are you?
Several
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
