This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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