I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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