Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize