if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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