Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
