Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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