If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
