i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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