She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
