Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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