Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i think my cat just said my name.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
