You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize