I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
