you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
