All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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