yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
