I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
