I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
