So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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