I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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