I think I just saw someone hide a body.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
