I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
