there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
