i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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