how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
