Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
