you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
