First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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