i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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