I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
