so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
