imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
