He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
